Our Annual Valentine Message - this article is the most popular link on our clinic's web site.LOVE or love?by Sam and Bunny Sewell
Every time we try to explain the two kinds of love to someone, they know very well what we are trying to say. We all have noticed a distinct difference between LOVE and love. However, we don't seem to be able to make the distinction between the two until after we are hurt and confused. We all get smart too late! It is as if love had the power to cast a spell over us and make us believe that we are experiencing LOVE. In an effort to keep all of us from being hurt or hurting others, the Best Self Clinic offers the following comments on the subject.
First, the lesser love is a biologically motivated mating behavior similar to that which can be seen in the animal kingdom. Second, in humans it shows up as a deficiency need. love is a hole that yearns to be filled! This lesser kind of love is an emptiness, a lack of emotional self-sufficiency. This deficiency is almost like a lack of vitamins or other dietary shortcoming. It results in "love craving" or "love hunger" just as dietary deficiencies often result in cravings for certain kinds of food. Our whole culture seems to be suffering from "love craving". Most of the so called "love songs" are about this lesser love.. Romance novels, movies, TV programs, and Valentine cards all have this lesser love as their theme. "How can I live without you?" and "Without you I am nothing at all!" are not examples of healthy love. We have all seen those people who grasp at relationships and fall in love twice a week. Men who suffer from this condition tend to be very charming and are skillful in the art of courtship. They sweep women off their feet as the prelude to a relationship filled with attempts to dominate, suspicious jealousy, and often, abusive behavior. Women who are lesser lovers often make friends with nice guys and “fall in love” with the type of men described in the previous sentence (usually referred to as an unmentionable body orifice). Nice guys just aren't "romantic" enough for them.
Many people, when given a chance to make a choice, are so blinded by their cravings that they foolishly choose love. Then, these same people begin to question the worth of all members of the opposite sex, rather than questioning their own mate selection habits. Choosing love rather than LOVE reminds us of addicted laboratory animals who will choose drugs and die of starvation rather than choose nourishment.
Persons suffering from this deficiency disease are so obsessed with filling their emptiness that they can't even think about giving to another person. Their whole reason for existence is to fill up the aching bottomless pit inside them. They operate from their need to receive from others. We all know people like this. Maybe we even see parts of ourselves in this behavior. These lesser lovers make very poor friends, mates, or sex partners. They suffer and everyone who becomes involved with them suffers.
If you suffer from this problem, PLEASE quit looking for a relationship! Quit hanging around bars, going to church to meet that “special someone”, or joining singles groups. The only relationship you should be seeking is an intense, honest involvement with a good psychotherapist. If you are someone involved with (not married to) a lesser lover, save yourself a lot of trouble and get out of the relationship at once. If you are married to a lesser lover get some help for both of you before you suffer any longer and your family is destroyed. Don't be the model for your children growing up to be lesser lovers!
One of the odd things about these two kinds of love is that everyone can recognize them. The person who has evolved into a healthy, emotionally self sufficient individual has also been a lesser lover at some point. The lesser lover probably has caught a glimpse of what it is like to really LOVE. Perhaps none of us is totally one kind of lover. There seems to be a broad spectrum of human behavior between LOVE at one extreme and love at the other. We all experience both kinds of love in varying combinations. Lets look at some contrasts between the two kinds of love:
1.) Since LOVE is non-possessive and admiring, rather than needing, it makes no trouble and is practically always a joy to all concerned. love causes plenty of heartache and trouble.
2.) LOVE can never wear out. LOVE grows greater rather than disappearing. You can't "lose that LOVE-ing feeling". love seldom lasts.
3.) The LOVE experience is closely akin to the inspiration of poets and artists. LOVE is mystical and holy. LOVE is humans involved in the Divine. love can be observed in livestock every spring breeding season.
4.) The healing and nurturing effects of LOVE are profound and widespread. The caring nurse heals patients with her LOVE. The nurturing LOVE of parents guides their child's growth into a healthy adult. love doesn't heal, it makes people sick. love doesn't nurture, it takes from everything that comes into contact with it.
5.) LOVE does not seek to be gratified. Gratification doesn't even enter the picture since LOVE comes from a person's fullness, not from his need. love is always seeking gratification and can never be satisfied. love "can't get no satisfaction".
6.) Couples who know how to LOVE are more independent of each other. They are more individual, less jealous or threatened, they need less and give more, they are more eager to help the other toward becoming their best self. love is cloying, clinging, dependent, jealous, and threatened by the other person's independence and personal growth.
7.) LOVE helps create both partners’ best selves. LOVE is the ultimate environment for personal growth. The full development of a human being may be impossible without it. love takes from one at the other's expense.
LOVE eliminates the need for love.
